SAVING or HELPING

I have often pondered on what the difference is between these 2 concepts.

When we think we are “helping” someone, are we in the long run?

Did they ask for help?

Or did we just dive in and give it – thinking we know what the other person wants?

I am learning, sometimes the hard way, that if help is not asked for … then I am “saving” and it is destined for hurt – to me and, at some point, the other person too… and even, down the track, the connection between the 2 of us.

With a great deal of interest, I have witnessed what happens when little ones (actually, people in general) fall over and hurt themselves.

My observations are this:

* an adult rushes over to stop/ease the crying/hurt

* words like “it will be ok” are used

* maybe a bandaid is pulled out

* sometimes a comforting hug

Now, while all this may sound like the “right” thing to do … what is the message that this sends to the fallen person?

Could it be … pain is not ok to feel. It must be stopped as quickly as possible.

Peter Levine’s book: “Waking the Tiger” … shares insights into the bodily responses an animal goes through to release any “trauma” in the moment … then it is done. No residual left in the body.

I tried this approach on yard duty at a primary school.

A child fell over.

A friend came running to tell me.

I sat beside the hurt child as she cried.

Few words were used.

Simply presence while she experienced pain. A trust it would move through at its own pace as her body did what it needed to … and I was not to interfere with this process.

Any words used were based on what I noticed … with her breathing, her releasing tools through tears and noise, and that her body had a little tremble.

Any friends that came were asking me if I wanted a bandaid brought or someone from the First Aid room for extra help.

My response was to invite them to just sit with us.

Within a short time, her breathing had returned to normal, her bleeding knee had congealed, and all of us were laughing at funny stories that were being shared.

Now that calm had arrived, the dry blood was wiped and off everyone went.

I truly believe that there is a power in allowing the body to feel.

Yes, even pain.

Breathing, shaking, screaming, crying, running, and much more … can all be tools that enable release in the moment AND hence, no residual trauma.

Proposal:

Next time someone is in pain, can we sit with them in it? (as long as your safety is not compromised)

No rescuing, saving or stopping the body’s natural response to physical, emotional or psychological pain… and oops … no medicating!!!

Ah … our fear of pain in the early years may just be connected to the many addictions we have as adults that take us away from feeling … like alcohol, drugs, screens, sex, over eating, cleaning, smoking …