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HANDS

A little act .. how it can touch so deeply.

How a moment between my teenage self and my Great Uncle Gordon, could bring tears this morning … as I looked across at a huge tree with its branches, filled with green leaves, sweeping the ground.

A remembering comes over me.

I remember visiting Uncle Gordon on Sundays.

Tomato sandwiches and bananas.

His favourite.

Our family would sit in the gardens of Kew Cottages – and as Uncle Gordon slowly took in each bite of these gifts, I notice the splendour of such huge green trees touching the ground.

And peacocks.

Such colour, peace & splendour.

 

Something didn’t feel right though …

What was the purpose of those heavy stone walls beyond the gardens?

Those thick locked dungeon doors.

The cold.

The dark.

The echo of a door slamming shut.

Shiny floors.

Men with heavy sets of so many keys hanging by their side.

 

I remember thinking:

Why is Uncle Gordon imprisoned like this?

But I accepted it and never proposed anything different to what was.

 

His fishing & hunting stories in the early days on Phillip Island captivated me.

And him living through that tossing of a coin between 2 brothers  … about who would go off to war and who would stay home to run the family farm… then the loss of a brother who never returned from that war.

 

One day in 1986, our family was invited in to say our final goodbyes to Uncle Gordon.

I am so deeply grateful that our parents valued him (and our connection with him) as much as they did, that this invitation was accepted.

There – in this small, cold, single bed, white room – lay this man.

Motionless except for the rising and falling of his chest.

 

After being with him for the last time, mum & dad signalled time to go.

Something came over me.

There was this very clear message telling me to sit beside Uncle Gordon and hold his hand.

(Another moment of : thank goodness my parents listened to me instead of pushing to go when they had said!)

 

As I sat beside Uncle Gordon, holding his hand, his eyes closed, I had no idea if he could hear me.

But I spoke anyway.

 

I whispered some words …

…. encompassing my love for him

…. and that it was ok for him to let go.

 

Then this miracle.

Uncle Gordon squeezed my hand!

 

His presence is strong here now .. as I take in that green sweeping tree in front of me.

Tears flow.

 

As I feel this energy running through me, peace eventually comes.

Breath helps.

 

The gift of this moment then bubbles up :

Where have we imprisoned ourselves?

How often have we accepted things – even when it didn’t feel right?

 

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Listening – or not!

Conversation MUST have a TALKER & a LISTENER …

who are present to themselves and their FEELINGS, NEEDS, and their MESSAGE …

to be WORTHY of our time & energy, their time & energy …

and an HONEST world to live in.

So, what happens when a LISTENER does not hear the speaker in the way they would like?

Disconnection.

Recently, a woman I deeply respect and value, was sharing her experience in a group activity.

I was so focused on where I was headed to next in the session, that my response discounted her experience she was willing to share.

So, as the LISTENER, I was so busy listening to my future self in my head …. that I totally missed being present & truly LISTENING to her.

The woman’s response, through her body language, looked like – confused eyes, shrugged shoulders, and an energy that gave off disappointment. I feel this now, yet ignored it back then.

I was so consumed by my head going like the clappers with some “teaching” moment, that I missed the connection between both of us.

How’s that – I invited feedback … then didn’t listen to it!!

Now, what’s fascinates me about this moment … is all the times in my life where I have been misheard and just let it go … which is what this woman chose to do too.

The only problem with this … from that one moment, a RESENTMENT seed has been planted.

The other part to this situation being, I became the TALKER and no longer the LISTENER.

OUCH!!

Then this AAHHHAAA moment …

This is the BIRTHING of roles we play out as kids (yes, and as parents) in our families – such as people pleasing (including “nice” boy, “good” girl), victim, perpetrator (through manipulating & controlling), smothering (over mothering).

I even recall saying to myself in years gone by as a mum of 3, “Oh yes, I am doing this because I love my kids”!!!

OH NO!!!

So, next time we are in, or witnessing, a conversation, can we feel any of these present?

  1. Talker chooses to not fully speak their TRUTH … or shut down what they really have to say … because they sense the listener is not listening.
  2. The LISTENER takes over the talking and the original talker ALLOWS this.
  3. Talker keeps talking without any awareness that the LISTENER is not listening… and the listener continues to be a DISENGAGED listener (who may even be standing there planning what’s for dinner!!)
  4. The ROLES of People Pleasing or Victim (shows up through blame or criticism) are alive with listener or talker.

Conversation MUST have a TALKER & a LISTENER who are present to themselves and their FEELINGS, NEEDS, and their MESSAGE … to be WORTHY of our time, their time and an HONEST world to live in.

ALSO:

How many times I shut down what I was wanting to say because I questioned my worthiness to be heard or dived into self-doubt.

Whenever this shutting self down tries to creep in, this helps me:

“Choose DISCOMFORT over RESENTMENT”

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An honouring of NO and it’s value

The web being noticed ….

 

If we are unable to RECEIVE someone else’s NO, how can we GIVE our own NO?

This, for me, highlights the relationship between GIVING and RECEIVING.

We must understand, accept and appreciate one – to have value with the other.

(Like we must have hot to understand cold.)

And this has been a great challenge for me!

 

I was raised with what seemed like lots of NO.

And what was the ripple effect for me?

In today’s language, I was a PEOPLE PLEASER.

I had no healthy boundaries.

I was a YES person because there was no way I was dishing out any NOs.

 

I became a parent who did the opposite … giving lots of YES.

I was a wife that became pushy and insistent that I had YES to things that were a NO to my then husband.

The strategies (manipulation tools) I would use to “get” a yes, included ….

Pleading or pestering (nagging)

Over-talking with my point of view / lots of questions

Crying

Punishment or threats

Go to another person whom would give me a YES

Tried the guilt thing too .. ouch writing that right now

Withdrawal of love

Silence

Many tools I learnt in order to avoid receiving that dreaded NO.

 

I was living in a dysfunctional relationship with him, with myself, and with YES and NO.

Which meant I GAVE lots and was controlling in how and what I RECEIVED.

I thought I had to do everything myself – this avoided that NO thing.

 

What is the ripple effect in raising kids in this YES environment … and push to get a YES?

What relationship with YES and NO do our kids have?

That is a whole different chapter.

 

However, one thing I am noticing is that TAKING and ALLOWING … without presence in knowing & honouring our healthy BOUNDARIES … is creating a lot of pain across all generations … and with our earth.

For this to shift, there must be a healing in our relationship with NO and ACCEPTANCE of this word.

Yes, as parents, it means listening to our kid’s NO too.

Listening to their “good reason” for it being a NO for them.

 

Then, we may just see a change in how GIVING & RECEIVING shows up with an open joy.

A world built on a foundation of honouring self, others, healthy boundaries, trust, intuition and natural flow.

FREEDOM and SAFETY and RESPECT … and we all have the ability to CHOOSE this!!

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Letting go of the “rescuing” role

Dawn breaks and one just never knows what “gifts” await us.

I was standing atop a sand dune expressing my gratitude, as the sun rose. A lady’s voice… “What do you think we should do?” she asks.

Oh, she was talking to me!
A seal was washed up on the beach with an outgoing tide. I noticed myself go into “rescue” mode. Let’s do this. Let’s do that.

Oddly, there was an uncomfortableness with trying to find all the options in order to “save” this most adorable creature.
There was also an uncomfortableness, in me, about the responses from rescue centres who advised to just let nature take it’s course.

Over breakfast, something stirred inside me.

A burning desire to simply lie beside this, now named: Arctic Fur seal (who was, apparently, 2000kms out of it’s territory).

So, I rugged up and nestled in beside this peaceful being.
We looked into each other’s eyes many times. I talked. I lay. It breathed slowly and moved infrequently.
It’s whole being seemed totally accepting of whatever was to come. No fight.

As we lay close to each other, I came to see the beauty in accepting.

I accepted it and it accepted me .. that much, that I lay close enough to caress it’s back.

There was talk, silence, listening.
Every time this seal opened it’s eyes, we somehow saw each other as our eyes danced together.
Had we met before?

As the cold winds began to reach my core, and after many hours of our time together, I felt it was ok now for me to leave.
I expressed my gratitude for the magic of the gift of this Arctic Fur seal and our togetherness.

This is at the heart of BACKinTRACKtion.

Meet myself and other beings where we are at. No push to change. No desire to rescue.

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SAVING or HELPING

I have often pondered on what the difference is between these 2 concepts.

When we think we are “helping” someone, are we in the long run?

Did they ask for help?

Or did we just dive in and give it – thinking we know what the other person wants?

I am learning, sometimes the hard way, that if help is not asked for … then I am “saving” and it is destined for hurt – to me and, at some point, the other person too… and even, down the track, the connection between the 2 of us.

With a great deal of interest, I have witnessed what happens when little ones (actually, people in general) fall over and hurt themselves.

My observations are this:

* an adult rushes over to stop/ease the crying/hurt

* words like “it will be ok” are used

* maybe a bandaid is pulled out

* sometimes a comforting hug

Now, while all this may sound like the “right” thing to do … what is the message that this sends to the fallen person?

Could it be … pain is not ok to feel. It must be stopped as quickly as possible.

Peter Levine’s book: “Waking the Tiger” … shares insights into the bodily responses an animal goes through to release any “trauma” in the moment … then it is done. No residual left in the body.

I tried this approach on yard duty at a primary school.

A child fell over.

A friend came running to tell me.

I sat beside the hurt child as she cried.

Few words were used.

Simply presence while she experienced pain. A trust it would move through at its own pace as her body did what it needed to … and I was not to interfere with this process.

Any words used were based on what I noticed … with her breathing, her releasing tools through tears and noise, and that her body had a little tremble.

Any friends that came were asking me if I wanted a bandaid brought or someone from the First Aid room for extra help.

My response was to invite them to just sit with us.

Within a short time, her breathing had returned to normal, her bleeding knee had congealed, and all of us were laughing at funny stories that were being shared.

Now that calm had arrived, the dry blood was wiped and off everyone went.

I truly believe that there is a power in allowing the body to feel.

Yes, even pain.

Breathing, shaking, screaming, crying, running, and much more … can all be tools that enable release in the moment AND hence, no residual trauma.

Proposal:

Next time someone is in pain, can we sit with them in it? (as long as your safety is not compromised)

No rescuing, saving or stopping the body’s natural response to physical, emotional or psychological pain… and oops … no medicating!!!

Ah … our fear of pain in the early years may just be connected to the many addictions we have as adults that take us away from feeling … like alcohol, drugs, screens, sex, over eating, cleaning, smoking …

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Who can you speak your ‘no’ to?

My experience of SAYING “no” and RECEIVING “no” in some training with Ej Love a few years ago, had me break down in tears and remove myself from the activity….

I had had enough of the word “no”.

I was overwhelmed by its strangle hold on me!

So consumed by the hurt this word brought me, I came to unravel that it had actually stopped me from speaking into and owning my “no” to others, and hence, my “yes”!

Oh my goodness, where I have said “yes”, when my truth was actually “no”. But I couldn’t say that dreaded word!

I thought I might be seen as being disrespectful to others. I so did not want to hurt others by sharing what I wanted! Oh, that might be considered selfish … if I said what was my truth!

I came to see, that not owning my authentic “no” actually brought more hurt, more suffering, more pain, more confusion to not only myself but yes, the other person too!! … all whilst disempowering myself.

I did re-join the activity back then, only after some release work though.

It has been an ongoing journey in noticing where I can stand true to myself – especially in relationships with a parent or sibling or people in perceived “power” positions like a boss, teacher, or principal! Actually, I will add wife, husband, or partner here too!

As a child, I knew my authentic “yes” and “no”.

By those who thought they knew better, or thought they were training me to have a successful life, or teaching me to conform to keep order and control and be respectful … I learnt to leave myself to stay safe and loved!

Oh my gosh, little did I realise the damage this approach caused!!!!

 

I now see choice.

Choice to choose conformity to keep the peace with others, yet internal conflict with myself.

Or I can choose love for myself by standing by me, even if it means there is potential to lose a love or closeness with another.

If that love ends, I get to question was it really a love and closeness that valued my authentic self anyway?

Yet, no matter what, I have chosen to love myself. Honour myself.

Do I want to keep myself small, so others avoid their growth?

 

How someone else receives me, is there’s to own.

Heck, it can be scary and challenging, yet so totally freeing!!

https://backintracktion.com.au/

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SILENCE

Recently, I sat in the hurt and sadness, and actually, despair, of a long time silence.

A wise and courageous man gave some possibilities of how silence may come about for a man.

In his willingness to answer my question …

“Any tips on what may be going on for a man when he does not respond?”

… and this is what he provided:

  • overwhelmed by the issue raised
  • fear or concern of how his response will be received
  • holding in anger
  • really not wanting to face the questions
  • wanting the person talking to just go away
  • embarrassed
  • simply lost for words
  • shame

I felt compelled to add:

  • control
  • guilt

The spiritual element of being human promotes SILENCE as a magical component of peace and coming closer to awareness.

I have certainly experienced this joy… and continue to do so in my morning practise.

So, how can it be that there is a flip side to this human experience that can cut so deeply?

Given there is hurt, I still have work to do on myself. That’s all there is!!

Oh, is the painful silence reflective of my own silence around what is important to me? And the manner I have been going about trying to “get” my former husband to talk, leads me to giving up full of sadness, frustration and despair!!

Writing this, I hear push.

Force.

What if: I was to share the FEELINGS running through me and what NEEDS would be met through him providing communication?

And for me to remember, behind EVERYTHING people do or say, there is a GOOD REASON.

An opportunity for me to practise a new language that brings connection.

https://backintracktion.com.au/

 

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EMASCULATION of a MAN

How do women castrate (that is, emasculate) males?

This can be a very touchy concept for women.

Women could try arguing back to this question and avoid answering it, by bringing focus on what men do to women.

However, for the sake of taking an angle and starting somewhere, here is a list of where women potentially attempt to take a man’s power away from him … depriving him of strength, power or efficiency … in order to weaken.

This was the exploring we dived into in The Art of Loving Men series.

If a woman can find a way to make a man smaller than her, she will.

Let’s face it, men have had the “power over” position. Where in times gone by, women couldn’t vote, they were controlled by what the man wanted, ensured the man was fed every night, etc…

The women’s movement shifted the pendulum totally the opposite direction. Could it be a possible “pay back”?

The following is an attempt to list how women may attain to the “power over” position with men:

– compete against men (I can beat him in an arm wrestle)

– expose their weaknesses (You can write better than that)

– shutting their ideas down (blowing off their ideas or suggestions)

– woman having the last say (interrupting or redirecting)

– rejecting their assistance (I can do that myself)

– cutting them short when they are speaking or ending their sentences for them before they find the words they want to say (taking over)

– knowing more than them

– not needing a man’s help (not needing them for anything important to you)

– comparison either to the “perfect person” or to how, or what, a woman would do

– withholding appreciation, admiration, sex

– refusing to let them impress you

– not trusting them

– disinterested in their passions

– complain about them

– expecting them to act the same as females

– ignore them

– criticise them

– demean their earning abilities

– mothering

– not letting them “earn points” through providing

– impatience

A little background:

Women can push to explain things.

They are generally not happy with just observing behaviour.

So, a woman dives into defining a man’s behaviour… which means the woman may go through the lense of seeing the man as “misbehaving” … which means, in her mind, he does not love her, care about her or respect her!

So when a woman thinks this way, she will try to explain “why” a man does not do these 3 things.

Look out … she will then entangle herself in the web of comparing herself to the “Perfect Person” in order to get his love, care and respect.

Or compare the man to the “Perfect Person”…. so, are women actually seeing men as “misbehaving women”??

Through this mindset, which reaches beyond partnerships of man and woman, also mother and son, teacher and student, etc., women may be constantly seeing there is something wrong with them and being “not good enough”, or they will be putting pressure on the male to respond like a female would! Hence, her treatment of him. This leads to so much disconnection and destruction.

Awareness journal this week was to:

  1. ask a man where I do any of the above to him,
  2. watch myself and other women doing any of these things to males
  3. notice how men respond

I recall witnessing this castration in schools .. even with prep boys. The body language of rounded shoulders, paralysed silence, and smallness were sure tell tales to the effect of this treatment by staff and fellow students!!

Time to change where the pendulum hangs… and embracing “power with”.

*this work comes from The Queens Code and NVC (NonViolent Communication) … and my own exploring of such a topic and it’s effect on how we relate to each other.

BACKinTRACKtion, working with young people, and this “women’s weekly” series, brings awareness to a new language where the “behaviour language” shifts into using a language based on FEELINGS and NEEDS .. to build connection with self and others!!

https://backintracktion.com.au/

HURT

Every human experiences hurt.

Whether it be by falling over and grazing a knee, or the words others say to us, or the actions of others that leave us confused, lost or annoyed … we feel.

These feelings of hurt are uncomfortable.

Parents with their young children run to aid a crying child who has “hurt” themselves.

Teachers punishing another student when their actions have “hurt” another’s feelings, that may bring:

… an aching heart

… a pitted feeling in the stomach

… a throat choking up

… a flood of tears

… screaming or sobbing or rage

WHAT IF … we had someone sit beside us as we felt this “hurt” and that was it.

No need to change the pain.

Just sit in the releasing of this pain as it moves through the body.

In the animal kingdom, animals allow their bodies to shake the trauma through their bodies, then it’s done.

With all the rescuing and judging and blaming that goes on with humans, the hurt continues and spreads far and wide. It even has a chance of coming up years down the track through it being shut down back when it first happened.
If you are married, ever had a wife bring up a hurt from 20 years ago, in a current argument?

WHAT IF … we sat in our uncomfortable feelings, with no blame?

Last year, I had the absolute pleasure of sitting with a 6yo with a grazed knee, after they fell over.

As they cried, I just sat beside them.
There was bleeding, yet not excessive.

Every now again I would say what I saw:

“Look at those tears running down your cheek. Some are going into your ear”
“I see your breath has stopped”

Around me, I listened to other kids and adults rushing over to offer band aids, and even another adult who may actually do something!!

Panic.

Rescue… quick, stop the noise, the hurt, the sadness, the blood, the ….

WHAT IF … we just teach what it is like to feel the uncomfortable.
Teach that we have choice about what we focus on!

Could we then learn to not be so afraid as adults?

We can sit in the hurt and have an awareness of our breath, of the colour the hurt is and how far it extends through our body.

No pressure to be anywhere or anything but right now.

Back to that 6yo child, without any comforting touch, that young person sat in the whole experience on the ground with myself and friends just sitting in silence.

We all witnessed the hurt start, climax, mellow out and wow … turn into laughter!!

Every part of life can be magical … if we let it and are open to feeling!!

Imagine a world that is open to feeling?.

P.s if any words from others hurt us, it simply means we have taken them personally!!! Whose work is it to do … our own!!

 

TRUST

As kids, we are raised under the idea that lying is wrong.

Yet, every human being does it.

If it’s part of being human, then what’s it’s story?

What if we took a dive into what the “good reason” is behind lying?

What might we find?

As I stand today … with my passion for dropping the judgement on behaviour and the punishing or rewarding constructs that supposedly promote “good” behaviour – truth, in this case … I have come to see lying as a gift!
Yes, that’s right a GIFT!

What if … we feel unsafe to be seen, heard and valued for what is alive in us in any given moment, that we hide that part of us from the world, through telling a lie?

What if … we have been honest at some point and been punished for our honesty, that we turn to lying as an option for our own protection?

What if … we have tried to openly share with others and they have not listened, so we do not trust them to hear our vulnerable selves, so we tell them what we think they want to hear? We lie.

What if … we feel so embarrassed by parts of ourselves, that we feel like to be accepted we need to hide those parts from the world?

What if … we have watched others get punished for saying their truth, so keeping the peace on the outside becomes our go to, despite our inside being in conflict and turmoil!!

Today, I was asked “Why would you trust me?”.

So, what does trust look like?

This is what came in my response….

We hear ourselves … when we are in each other’s company – in person or written.

We hear each other. Completely. To the best of our ability and that may mean owning when we are not hearing!

Through this, safety is present.

I accept all of me .. even the expressive self .. in your company.

I feel safe to totally show up with you.

I see, hear and feel an acceptance of all that I am.

This is the foundation of trust.