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Listening – or not!

Conversation MUST have a TALKER & a LISTENER …

who are present to themselves and their FEELINGS, NEEDS, and their MESSAGE …

to be WORTHY of our time & energy, their time & energy …

and an HONEST world to live in.

So, what happens when a LISTENER does not hear the speaker in the way they would like?

Disconnection.

Recently, a woman I deeply respect and value, was sharing her experience in a group activity.

I was so focused on where I was headed to next in the session, that my response discounted her experience she was willing to share.

So, as the LISTENER, I was so busy listening to my future self in my head …. that I totally missed being present & truly LISTENING to her.

The woman’s response, through her body language, looked like – confused eyes, shrugged shoulders, and an energy that gave off disappointment. I feel this now, yet ignored it back then.

I was so consumed by my head going like the clappers with some “teaching” moment, that I missed the connection between both of us.

How’s that – I invited feedback … then didn’t listen to it!!

Now, what’s fascinates me about this moment … is all the times in my life where I have been misheard and just let it go … which is what this woman chose to do too.

The only problem with this … from that one moment, a RESENTMENT seed has been planted.

The other part to this situation being, I became the TALKER and no longer the LISTENER.

OUCH!!

Then this AAHHHAAA moment …

This is the BIRTHING of roles we play out as kids (yes, and as parents) in our families – such as people pleasing (including “nice” boy, “good” girl), victim, perpetrator (through manipulating & controlling), smothering (over mothering).

I even recall saying to myself in years gone by as a mum of 3, “Oh yes, I am doing this because I love my kids”!!!

OH NO!!!

So, next time we are in, or witnessing, a conversation, can we feel any of these present?

  1. Talker chooses to not fully speak their TRUTH … or shut down what they really have to say … because they sense the listener is not listening.
  2. The LISTENER takes over the talking and the original talker ALLOWS this.
  3. Talker keeps talking without any awareness that the LISTENER is not listening… and the listener continues to be a DISENGAGED listener (who may even be standing there planning what’s for dinner!!)
  4. The ROLES of People Pleasing or Victim (shows up through blame or criticism) are alive with listener or talker.

Conversation MUST have a TALKER & a LISTENER who are present to themselves and their FEELINGS, NEEDS, and their MESSAGE … to be WORTHY of our time, their time and an HONEST world to live in.

ALSO:

How many times I shut down what I was wanting to say because I questioned my worthiness to be heard or dived into self-doubt.

Whenever this shutting self down tries to creep in, this helps me:

“Choose DISCOMFORT over RESENTMENT”