Tag Archive for: listening

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Letting go of the “rescuing” role

Dawn breaks and one just never knows what “gifts” await us.

I was standing atop a sand dune expressing my gratitude, as the sun rose. A lady’s voice… “What do you think we should do?” she asks.

Oh, she was talking to me!
A seal was washed up on the beach with an outgoing tide. I noticed myself go into “rescue” mode. Let’s do this. Let’s do that.

Oddly, there was an uncomfortableness with trying to find all the options in order to “save” this most adorable creature.
There was also an uncomfortableness, in me, about the responses from rescue centres who advised to just let nature take it’s course.

Over breakfast, something stirred inside me.

A burning desire to simply lie beside this, now named: Arctic Fur seal (who was, apparently, 2000kms out of it’s territory).

So, I rugged up and nestled in beside this peaceful being.
We looked into each other’s eyes many times. I talked. I lay. It breathed slowly and moved infrequently.
It’s whole being seemed totally accepting of whatever was to come. No fight.

As we lay close to each other, I came to see the beauty in accepting.

I accepted it and it accepted me .. that much, that I lay close enough to caress it’s back.

There was talk, silence, listening.
Every time this seal opened it’s eyes, we somehow saw each other as our eyes danced together.
Had we met before?

As the cold winds began to reach my core, and after many hours of our time together, I felt it was ok now for me to leave.
I expressed my gratitude for the magic of the gift of this Arctic Fur seal and our togetherness.

This is at the heart of BACKinTRACKtion.

Meet myself and other beings where we are at. No push to change. No desire to rescue.

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SILENCE

Recently, I sat in the hurt and sadness, and actually, despair, of a long time silence.

A wise and courageous man gave some possibilities of how silence may come about for a man.

In his willingness to answer my question …

“Any tips on what may be going on for a man when he does not respond?”

… and this is what he provided:

  • overwhelmed by the issue raised
  • fear or concern of how his response will be received
  • holding in anger
  • really not wanting to face the questions
  • wanting the person talking to just go away
  • embarrassed
  • simply lost for words
  • shame

I felt compelled to add:

  • control
  • guilt

The spiritual element of being human promotes SILENCE as a magical component of peace and coming closer to awareness.

I have certainly experienced this joy… and continue to do so in my morning practise.

So, how can it be that there is a flip side to this human experience that can cut so deeply?

Given there is hurt, I still have work to do on myself. That’s all there is!!

Oh, is the painful silence reflective of my own silence around what is important to me? And the manner I have been going about trying to “get” my former husband to talk, leads me to giving up full of sadness, frustration and despair!!

Writing this, I hear push.

Force.

What if: I was to share the FEELINGS running through me and what NEEDS would be met through him providing communication?

And for me to remember, behind EVERYTHING people do or say, there is a GOOD REASON.

An opportunity for me to practise a new language that brings connection.

https://backintracktion.com.au/

 

Listening with curiosity, one key to all communication.

How easy it has been for me to judge other’s behaviour. Noticing that this often brought disconnection with the other, and an uncomfortable feeling running through me. Being on a journey of unpacking what judging others has given me, I explored what could happen if I trusted rather than controlled.

Last week in a PE class with Prep students, I had the honour of being part of “Listening with Curiosity”. No judgement, meant no right or wrong, just a level of understanding from all involved, and an outcome that we all enjoyed.

Teaching the junior students is often filled with many littlies calling my name for so many different reasons. This day, I noticed a feeling of frustration building, created by the many interruptions taking me away from being present while a student was learning to ride a bike.

Upon my name being called again … I turned and asked this little girl, “Is it important?”

She replied with a “Yes, this boy (who shall remain nameless) kissed me”.

I noticed the worry in her eyes.

Asking the rest of the class to help us out by packing up all the sports equipment, gave this boy and girl the space to face each other and a “Listen with Curiosity” moment was created. From that, connection and understanding.

Girl: “What is your good reason for kissing me?”

Boy: “I really like playing with you.”

Girl (whose eyes lit up): “Oh … well I really like playing with you too.”

Silence for a moment – taking in this awareness.

Boy: “How did you feel when I kissed you?”

Girl: “I felt scared. You have germs and you kissed me, and now I have germs and now I am not going to see my friends again, because I am going to die because I have covid.”

By this time, the girl is on the edge of tears.

The 3 of us sat in stillness taking in her fear.

After a moment my intuition guided me, acknowledging her fear, I asked: “Do you kiss your mum or dad?”

Girl: “Yes, of course I do. But they don’t have covid.”

I responded to this with: “How do you know?”

The girl’s eyes seemed to sit in contemplation. Something shifted in her awareness and perception of the situation we all found ourselves in.

Girl speaking to the boy: “Next time you want to kiss me, could you ask me first. Now let’s go help pack up.”

My heart sang pure joy …. because in that moment I was filled with immense gratitude for the art of “Listening with Curiosity.” A vital part of clear communication. A key to connection.

The ripple effect of this reaction to undesired behaviour

Has anyone tried to tell a peacock: “You can’t do that (whatever the that is)”

These 4 words have become an automatic response to behaviour we want to change.
I have become curious in noticing, particularly children, the reaction when this statement is directed their way from an adult.

The shoulders curve and fall forward. They somehow seem to become “small”. There can be a welling up in the eyes. Is it sadness or frustration, I wonder? Ah, yes there is rage being stored away, in some too.

The body language shows a kind of “call for help” to the other person who seems to have the support of the adult right now.
It’s like: “Go on tell them what you did. Help me. This is not all my fault. I don’t deserve to be treated this way. I don’t deserve to be blamed or persecuted like this. Surely you will listen to me… cos you understand, don’t you?”

But no… this deemed “wrong” person walks away with all kinds of inferior beliefs about themselves, others, and the world around them… and another layer to that internal volcano that may never erupt but suppressed through various means once in adulthood. Drugs, alcohol, self harming, another long list!

Some of the inferior beliefs from that childhood moment can include…
“They are not fair. The world is not fair…”
“Nobody listens to me”
“Nobody really cares”
“There is something wrong with me”
“I don’t fit in here… or anywhere”
“I hate them”
The list is extensive.

The messages this situation is sending to the person judged as being “right” can be just as damaging!
(with such beliefs as: I am a victim. I need saving. If I am louder or more forceful, I will be heard more.)

What if?

What is the reaction when the question is asked: “What is your good reason for doing …?”
Tall posture. Chest protrudes. Eyes open. Yes, a readiness to share. Someone is listening without judging. Someone is willing to stand in this with me and really let me explore and face what is actually going on.

Underneath every action, there is ALWAYS a good reason. Yes, even murder! That was hard for me to comprehend up until a few years ago.

If we take time to listen, like really listen with an open heart and curiosity, the ripple effect can be life changing.

Some benefits include…
Self-confidence, connection with oneself, a language to communicate feelings rather than needing to use behaviour as a means to communicate there is a problem, etc

Behaviour changes organically through conscious listening.
Force is replaced with understanding and awareness and growth .. for all.

Behind the mask of behaviour

Have you ever experienced showing up at school as a youngster, or work as an adult, and feeling like you had to hide – or shut down – what is alive in you in the now?

Did you ever want someone to just notice something wasn’t right for you?

Have you ever yearned for someone to stop and be still enough, that they would sit and listen to you – and actually not “rescue” you or fix what they perceived the problem to be?

Well, here lies a story that touched me deeply…

Taking a Year 10 English class around halfway through the school day, a teenage girl sat up the front of the class on her own, with a forlorn face. Her peers were further back in the classroom. Upon the class requirements being presented, the students at the back proceeded to undertake the tasks.

Noticing this female student had not opened any of her books to make a start, this is what unfolded…
I simply said, “I noticed you have not opened your books yet.”

Her response of “I am not doing any work”, clearly indicated something was more alive in her than school.

Accepting where she was at, I sat the Bear Cards on her table and invited her to select any cards she was feeling right now .. then walked away.

Noticing she had finished with the Bear Cards, I returned to ask how she felt about me sitting beside her.
She then proceeded to share her “good reasons” for picking out the 3 cards she did. Each card represented something deeply significant for her.

Turned out, her favourite uncle had died the night before.

Her acknowledgement of what was alive for her, her willingness to share with me, led us into a discussion about why he was the favourite uncle, what death meant for her and what she was missing about her uncle.

For the rest of that English class, this student wrote a tribute to her favourite uncle and walked out of that English class with a smile.

We can all make a difference … through meeting people where they are at!

Dropping the agenda and becoming present!

Author: Margie Matheson

  https://backintracktion.com.au