Tag Archive for: mental health

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SILENCE

Recently, I sat in the hurt and sadness, and actually, despair, of a long time silence.

A wise and courageous man gave some possibilities of how silence may come about for a man.

In his willingness to answer my question …

“Any tips on what may be going on for a man when he does not respond?”

… and this is what he provided:

  • overwhelmed by the issue raised
  • fear or concern of how his response will be received
  • holding in anger
  • really not wanting to face the questions
  • wanting the person talking to just go away
  • embarrassed
  • simply lost for words
  • shame

I felt compelled to add:

  • control
  • guilt

The spiritual element of being human promotes SILENCE as a magical component of peace and coming closer to awareness.

I have certainly experienced this joy… and continue to do so in my morning practise.

So, how can it be that there is a flip side to this human experience that can cut so deeply?

Given there is hurt, I still have work to do on myself. That’s all there is!!

Oh, is the painful silence reflective of my own silence around what is important to me? And the manner I have been going about trying to “get” my former husband to talk, leads me to giving up full of sadness, frustration and despair!!

Writing this, I hear push.

Force.

What if: I was to share the FEELINGS running through me and what NEEDS would be met through him providing communication?

And for me to remember, behind EVERYTHING people do or say, there is a GOOD REASON.

An opportunity for me to practise a new language that brings connection.

https://backintracktion.com.au/

 

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EMASCULATION of a MAN

How do women castrate (that is, emasculate) males?

This can be a very touchy concept for women.

Women could try arguing back to this question and avoid answering it, by bringing focus on what men do to women.

However, for the sake of taking an angle and starting somewhere, here is a list of where women potentially attempt to take a man’s power away from him … depriving him of strength, power or efficiency … in order to weaken.

This was the exploring we dived into in The Art of Loving Men series.

If a woman can find a way to make a man smaller than her, she will.

Let’s face it, men have had the “power over” position. Where in times gone by, women couldn’t vote, they were controlled by what the man wanted, ensured the man was fed every night, etc…

The women’s movement shifted the pendulum totally the opposite direction. Could it be a possible “pay back”?

The following is an attempt to list how women may attain to the “power over” position with men:

– compete against men (I can beat him in an arm wrestle)

– expose their weaknesses (You can write better than that)

– shutting their ideas down (blowing off their ideas or suggestions)

– woman having the last say (interrupting or redirecting)

– rejecting their assistance (I can do that myself)

– cutting them short when they are speaking or ending their sentences for them before they find the words they want to say (taking over)

– knowing more than them

– not needing a man’s help (not needing them for anything important to you)

– comparison either to the “perfect person” or to how, or what, a woman would do

– withholding appreciation, admiration, sex

– refusing to let them impress you

– not trusting them

– disinterested in their passions

– complain about them

– expecting them to act the same as females

– ignore them

– criticise them

– demean their earning abilities

– mothering

– not letting them “earn points” through providing

– impatience

A little background:

Women can push to explain things.

They are generally not happy with just observing behaviour.

So, a woman dives into defining a man’s behaviour… which means the woman may go through the lense of seeing the man as “misbehaving” … which means, in her mind, he does not love her, care about her or respect her!

So when a woman thinks this way, she will try to explain “why” a man does not do these 3 things.

Look out … she will then entangle herself in the web of comparing herself to the “Perfect Person” in order to get his love, care and respect.

Or compare the man to the “Perfect Person”…. so, are women actually seeing men as “misbehaving women”??

Through this mindset, which reaches beyond partnerships of man and woman, also mother and son, teacher and student, etc., women may be constantly seeing there is something wrong with them and being “not good enough”, or they will be putting pressure on the male to respond like a female would! Hence, her treatment of him. This leads to so much disconnection and destruction.

Awareness journal this week was to:

  1. ask a man where I do any of the above to him,
  2. watch myself and other women doing any of these things to males
  3. notice how men respond

I recall witnessing this castration in schools .. even with prep boys. The body language of rounded shoulders, paralysed silence, and smallness were sure tell tales to the effect of this treatment by staff and fellow students!!

Time to change where the pendulum hangs… and embracing “power with”.

*this work comes from The Queens Code and NVC (NonViolent Communication) … and my own exploring of such a topic and it’s effect on how we relate to each other.

BACKinTRACKtion, working with young people, and this “women’s weekly” series, brings awareness to a new language where the “behaviour language” shifts into using a language based on FEELINGS and NEEDS .. to build connection with self and others!!

https://backintracktion.com.au/

HURT

Every human experiences hurt.

Whether it be by falling over and grazing a knee, or the words others say to us, or the actions of others that leave us confused, lost or annoyed … we feel.

These feelings of hurt are uncomfortable.

Parents with their young children run to aid a crying child who has “hurt” themselves.

Teachers punishing another student when their actions have “hurt” another’s feelings, that may bring:

… an aching heart

… a pitted feeling in the stomach

… a throat choking up

… a flood of tears

… screaming or sobbing or rage

WHAT IF … we had someone sit beside us as we felt this “hurt” and that was it.

No need to change the pain.

Just sit in the releasing of this pain as it moves through the body.

In the animal kingdom, animals allow their bodies to shake the trauma through their bodies, then it’s done.

With all the rescuing and judging and blaming that goes on with humans, the hurt continues and spreads far and wide. It even has a chance of coming up years down the track through it being shut down back when it first happened.
If you are married, ever had a wife bring up a hurt from 20 years ago, in a current argument?

WHAT IF … we sat in our uncomfortable feelings, with no blame?

Last year, I had the absolute pleasure of sitting with a 6yo with a grazed knee, after they fell over.

As they cried, I just sat beside them.
There was bleeding, yet not excessive.

Every now again I would say what I saw:

“Look at those tears running down your cheek. Some are going into your ear”
“I see your breath has stopped”

Around me, I listened to other kids and adults rushing over to offer band aids, and even another adult who may actually do something!!

Panic.

Rescue… quick, stop the noise, the hurt, the sadness, the blood, the ….

WHAT IF … we just teach what it is like to feel the uncomfortable.
Teach that we have choice about what we focus on!

Could we then learn to not be so afraid as adults?

We can sit in the hurt and have an awareness of our breath, of the colour the hurt is and how far it extends through our body.

No pressure to be anywhere or anything but right now.

Back to that 6yo child, without any comforting touch, that young person sat in the whole experience on the ground with myself and friends just sitting in silence.

We all witnessed the hurt start, climax, mellow out and wow … turn into laughter!!

Every part of life can be magical … if we let it and are open to feeling!!

Imagine a world that is open to feeling?.

P.s if any words from others hurt us, it simply means we have taken them personally!!! Whose work is it to do … our own!!

 

The ripple effect of this reaction to undesired behaviour

Has anyone tried to tell a peacock: “You can’t do that (whatever the that is)”

These 4 words have become an automatic response to behaviour we want to change.
I have become curious in noticing, particularly children, the reaction when this statement is directed their way from an adult.

The shoulders curve and fall forward. They somehow seem to become “small”. There can be a welling up in the eyes. Is it sadness or frustration, I wonder? Ah, yes there is rage being stored away, in some too.

The body language shows a kind of “call for help” to the other person who seems to have the support of the adult right now.
It’s like: “Go on tell them what you did. Help me. This is not all my fault. I don’t deserve to be treated this way. I don’t deserve to be blamed or persecuted like this. Surely you will listen to me… cos you understand, don’t you?”

But no… this deemed “wrong” person walks away with all kinds of inferior beliefs about themselves, others, and the world around them… and another layer to that internal volcano that may never erupt but suppressed through various means once in adulthood. Drugs, alcohol, self harming, another long list!

Some of the inferior beliefs from that childhood moment can include…
“They are not fair. The world is not fair…”
“Nobody listens to me”
“Nobody really cares”
“There is something wrong with me”
“I don’t fit in here… or anywhere”
“I hate them”
The list is extensive.

The messages this situation is sending to the person judged as being “right” can be just as damaging!
(with such beliefs as: I am a victim. I need saving. If I am louder or more forceful, I will be heard more.)

What if?

What is the reaction when the question is asked: “What is your good reason for doing …?”
Tall posture. Chest protrudes. Eyes open. Yes, a readiness to share. Someone is listening without judging. Someone is willing to stand in this with me and really let me explore and face what is actually going on.

Underneath every action, there is ALWAYS a good reason. Yes, even murder! That was hard for me to comprehend up until a few years ago.

If we take time to listen, like really listen with an open heart and curiosity, the ripple effect can be life changing.

Some benefits include…
Self-confidence, connection with oneself, a language to communicate feelings rather than needing to use behaviour as a means to communicate there is a problem, etc

Behaviour changes organically through conscious listening.
Force is replaced with understanding and awareness and growth .. for all.

Behind the mask of behaviour

Have you ever experienced showing up at school as a youngster, or work as an adult, and feeling like you had to hide – or shut down – what is alive in you in the now?

Did you ever want someone to just notice something wasn’t right for you?

Have you ever yearned for someone to stop and be still enough, that they would sit and listen to you – and actually not “rescue” you or fix what they perceived the problem to be?

Well, here lies a story that touched me deeply…

Taking a Year 10 English class around halfway through the school day, a teenage girl sat up the front of the class on her own, with a forlorn face. Her peers were further back in the classroom. Upon the class requirements being presented, the students at the back proceeded to undertake the tasks.

Noticing this female student had not opened any of her books to make a start, this is what unfolded…
I simply said, “I noticed you have not opened your books yet.”

Her response of “I am not doing any work”, clearly indicated something was more alive in her than school.

Accepting where she was at, I sat the Bear Cards on her table and invited her to select any cards she was feeling right now .. then walked away.

Noticing she had finished with the Bear Cards, I returned to ask how she felt about me sitting beside her.
She then proceeded to share her “good reasons” for picking out the 3 cards she did. Each card represented something deeply significant for her.

Turned out, her favourite uncle had died the night before.

Her acknowledgement of what was alive for her, her willingness to share with me, led us into a discussion about why he was the favourite uncle, what death meant for her and what she was missing about her uncle.

For the rest of that English class, this student wrote a tribute to her favourite uncle and walked out of that English class with a smile.

We can all make a difference … through meeting people where they are at!

Dropping the agenda and becoming present!

Author: Margie Matheson

  https://backintracktion.com.au