Tag Archive for: relationships

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Letting go of the “rescuing” role

Dawn breaks and one just never knows what “gifts” await us.

I was standing atop a sand dune expressing my gratitude, as the sun rose. A lady’s voice… “What do you think we should do?” she asks.

Oh, she was talking to me!
A seal was washed up on the beach with an outgoing tide. I noticed myself go into “rescue” mode. Let’s do this. Let’s do that.

Oddly, there was an uncomfortableness with trying to find all the options in order to “save” this most adorable creature.
There was also an uncomfortableness, in me, about the responses from rescue centres who advised to just let nature take it’s course.

Over breakfast, something stirred inside me.

A burning desire to simply lie beside this, now named: Arctic Fur seal (who was, apparently, 2000kms out of it’s territory).

So, I rugged up and nestled in beside this peaceful being.
We looked into each other’s eyes many times. I talked. I lay. It breathed slowly and moved infrequently.
It’s whole being seemed totally accepting of whatever was to come. No fight.

As we lay close to each other, I came to see the beauty in accepting.

I accepted it and it accepted me .. that much, that I lay close enough to caress it’s back.

There was talk, silence, listening.
Every time this seal opened it’s eyes, we somehow saw each other as our eyes danced together.
Had we met before?

As the cold winds began to reach my core, and after many hours of our time together, I felt it was ok now for me to leave.
I expressed my gratitude for the magic of the gift of this Arctic Fur seal and our togetherness.

This is at the heart of BACKinTRACKtion.

Meet myself and other beings where we are at. No push to change. No desire to rescue.

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SILENCE

Recently, I sat in the hurt and sadness, and actually, despair, of a long time silence.

A wise and courageous man gave some possibilities of how silence may come about for a man.

In his willingness to answer my question …

“Any tips on what may be going on for a man when he does not respond?”

… and this is what he provided:

  • overwhelmed by the issue raised
  • fear or concern of how his response will be received
  • holding in anger
  • really not wanting to face the questions
  • wanting the person talking to just go away
  • embarrassed
  • simply lost for words
  • shame

I felt compelled to add:

  • control
  • guilt

The spiritual element of being human promotes SILENCE as a magical component of peace and coming closer to awareness.

I have certainly experienced this joy… and continue to do so in my morning practise.

So, how can it be that there is a flip side to this human experience that can cut so deeply?

Given there is hurt, I still have work to do on myself. That’s all there is!!

Oh, is the painful silence reflective of my own silence around what is important to me? And the manner I have been going about trying to “get” my former husband to talk, leads me to giving up full of sadness, frustration and despair!!

Writing this, I hear push.

Force.

What if: I was to share the FEELINGS running through me and what NEEDS would be met through him providing communication?

And for me to remember, behind EVERYTHING people do or say, there is a GOOD REASON.

An opportunity for me to practise a new language that brings connection.

https://backintracktion.com.au/

 

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EMASCULATION of a MAN

How do women castrate (that is, emasculate) males?

This can be a very touchy concept for women.

Women could try arguing back to this question and avoid answering it, by bringing focus on what men do to women.

However, for the sake of taking an angle and starting somewhere, here is a list of where women potentially attempt to take a man’s power away from him … depriving him of strength, power or efficiency … in order to weaken.

This was the exploring we dived into in The Art of Loving Men series.

If a woman can find a way to make a man smaller than her, she will.

Let’s face it, men have had the “power over” position. Where in times gone by, women couldn’t vote, they were controlled by what the man wanted, ensured the man was fed every night, etc…

The women’s movement shifted the pendulum totally the opposite direction. Could it be a possible “pay back”?

The following is an attempt to list how women may attain to the “power over” position with men:

– compete against men (I can beat him in an arm wrestle)

– expose their weaknesses (You can write better than that)

– shutting their ideas down (blowing off their ideas or suggestions)

– woman having the last say (interrupting or redirecting)

– rejecting their assistance (I can do that myself)

– cutting them short when they are speaking or ending their sentences for them before they find the words they want to say (taking over)

– knowing more than them

– not needing a man’s help (not needing them for anything important to you)

– comparison either to the “perfect person” or to how, or what, a woman would do

– withholding appreciation, admiration, sex

– refusing to let them impress you

– not trusting them

– disinterested in their passions

– complain about them

– expecting them to act the same as females

– ignore them

– criticise them

– demean their earning abilities

– mothering

– not letting them “earn points” through providing

– impatience

A little background:

Women can push to explain things.

They are generally not happy with just observing behaviour.

So, a woman dives into defining a man’s behaviour… which means the woman may go through the lense of seeing the man as “misbehaving” … which means, in her mind, he does not love her, care about her or respect her!

So when a woman thinks this way, she will try to explain “why” a man does not do these 3 things.

Look out … she will then entangle herself in the web of comparing herself to the “Perfect Person” in order to get his love, care and respect.

Or compare the man to the “Perfect Person”…. so, are women actually seeing men as “misbehaving women”??

Through this mindset, which reaches beyond partnerships of man and woman, also mother and son, teacher and student, etc., women may be constantly seeing there is something wrong with them and being “not good enough”, or they will be putting pressure on the male to respond like a female would! Hence, her treatment of him. This leads to so much disconnection and destruction.

Awareness journal this week was to:

  1. ask a man where I do any of the above to him,
  2. watch myself and other women doing any of these things to males
  3. notice how men respond

I recall witnessing this castration in schools .. even with prep boys. The body language of rounded shoulders, paralysed silence, and smallness were sure tell tales to the effect of this treatment by staff and fellow students!!

Time to change where the pendulum hangs… and embracing “power with”.

*this work comes from The Queens Code and NVC (NonViolent Communication) … and my own exploring of such a topic and it’s effect on how we relate to each other.

BACKinTRACKtion, working with young people, and this “women’s weekly” series, brings awareness to a new language where the “behaviour language” shifts into using a language based on FEELINGS and NEEDS .. to build connection with self and others!!

https://backintracktion.com.au/